Two Years…

It’s been two years. Two long years since we’ve had Vincent and he has passed away. Today would have been the start of his terrible two’s. It is very bittersweet. He will forever be four days old. I’ve been angry, unhappy and utterly crushed for two long years now. My husband and I don’t laugh as much as we used to or enjoy life as much. It happens when your child dies. Natural progression I suppose because I don’t know how it’s supposed to be… Despite everything, having Vincent has been the best thing that has ever happen to me. I’ve never loved someone I only knew for a few days and I’ve never loved someone so much. I wish I had some magical advice for others who have lost a child. It does not get easier. I still desperately want someone to tell me that and to believe it like Santa Claus flying through the sky on Christmas Eve. Life, who you are and how you think, feel, move, love, hate, everything just changes. Not for the best and sadly, sometimes for the worst, but you won’t want to change it if it meant you never had the opportunity to have your child for however long. Year two is different from year one. Your mind clears a bit more and you realize that there is really something missing. You understand, you question more and you don’t think about the pain nearly as much as year one despite the fact that it doesn’t go away. I’ve cried a little less, worried about my husband a bit more and wondered about all the things that would’ve, could’ve and should’ve been. You never “get over” the death of your child. It is unlike a miscarriage (yes, I had a violent one after Vincent ending in a D&C at 13 weeks). Losing a child is not like a pet dying, losing a parent, sibling, spouse, friend, etc. Losing a child you’ve held, touched, seen, felt, and realized from pain is nothing like anything you could imagine or compare. I am certain that will never change and I am positive I will always have a missing piece of me that makes me feel like something isn’t quite right. I’m still sad and have a hard time talking about him to others without crying. I despise people who take their families and children for granted. It took having Vincent for me to realize how selfish and clueless I was in life. The best way I can describe how I feel about losing your child is loss of innocence and I do not mean loss of Vincents’ life, I mean for myself. That innocents turns almost cynical. This experience has been brutal and until you experience it directly life will be innocent to you. It has truly been a hollow, sad, frustrating, lonely, numbing, infuriating journey so far among other adjectives. I , however, realize there is a fraction of a “silver lining” (not really as joyful as it sounds). Although my luck is not great, I have someone in my life that helps ease the pain. Not many marriages last after a child passes away. For better or worse is a phrase that takes on a completely new meaning. I am immensely grateful my husband has stayed by my side and taken on more than just his share of the burden of losing a child. It is not easy. It is not easy for our partners and sometimes it is hard to see that along the way. My two new mottos are be as patient as you can be (which isn’t often enough) and ‘I’m sorry’ (and really meaning it) goes a long, long, long way. Vincent made us closer and love each other a little more… and get cranky a bit too much… and huff and puff… and lean toward each other on those days when it hurts a little too much. This life is not easy and I miss Vincent… a lot.

About TSTrinh

Please, check out my blog on life after losing a child. I cover infant loss or death, express my emotions, drone on about my feelings, discuss love and everything in-between as a way for me to work on my grief. This is my new life.
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